Wedding Planning

Shoot me. Now!

I've noticed throughout my blog postings that I have made that request, perhaps, a few too many times. May I remind you that I'm extremely sarcastic and do not, in fact, want anyone to shoot me in the face... however, I will continue to make the request when I am in a need for a quick fix of release from this down-right, ridiculous wedding planning!

First thing I've learned upon getting engaged and starting to plan a wedding... no matter how often you hear that it's your day and that everything revolves around you... this is not the case. People's opinions start becoming heavier and heavier as the plans become more official. The closer you get to the day, the more opinions come out. At this point... I would prefer to run away, still...

The closer I am getting to this day, makes me worry about it. I want to make sure that I live the dream, like all young girls do when they have Barbie and Ken get married 118 times before their 12th birthday. Or was that just me?? Was it?! I thought it was normal! And yes... I also wore a wedding dress found in a friends attic... and married not only Keanu Reeves probably half a dozen times... but I also "married" someone I went to school with that I refuse to mention their name due to liabilities and black mail towards myself as it's shockingly embarassing. Yes, more embarassing than admitting that I did and still do wish to marry Keanu Reeves. THAT'S besides the point. If I could go back in time and change it... well... I wouldn't because Keanu Reeves in beautiful.

Anyway...


Yes, I dreampt of getting married for so many years. Tinker married my stuffed animals and I married imaginary people, enough times to maybe be considered psychotic...

Now that life isn't so simple, now that I actually have to consider a budget and re-think my spending habits, I realized it's not a perfect world. I realize that since I walked down the aisle 47 times before I turned into a teenager, 50% of people who say "I do"... don't follow thru. 50% of marriages fail. Sadly enough, although I truly believe that Darrin and I will grow old and die together in our sleep, holding hands... those true facts hinder my day.

I don't want people thinking of how young I am... I don't want them thinking it's just another waste of money... and I don't want people telling me to plan for an expensive divorce (yes, this has actually happened when I announced my engagement). I wish I could re-live the perfect idea I had as a little girl, how the whole day is about me... how I have the giant princess ball-gown, show up in a limo and have my Daddy walk me down the aisle. The smaller details don't matter to me, nor did they ever. I didn't care about the color of the bridesmaids dresses... I didn't care about the flowers or how much my dress cost... I just wanted those simple things to be done.

First of all: My dress, is not a princess dress. I tried them on, I attempted it and it was a major and epic fail. I looked like... I don't even know... a princess; which I guess I left that desire back when I turned 14. I'm not a princess... I'm hard working and I want to feel sophisticated and sexy on my wedding day... not a cake topper. Anyway... I'm not showing up in a limo... honestly - I could care less about that. Ideally I'd like Darrin's Dad to drive me to the ceremony in his 2001 Ford Mustang Cobra. You know, the beautiful shiney black car that has 612 horsepower and sounds like a jet just flew by when you put your foot on the gas?? But unfortunately that idea was quickly thrown to the ground because he doesn't want to park it near other cars. I suppose that's understandable. I mean, afterall, I try my hardest to park the van on the outskirts of the parking lot so it won't get hit by another vehicle (no I don't... I park it as close as I can to who I think is drinking and driving hoping that it will get hit). Anyway... that's beside the point...

The final thing on my list, that I always assumed would happen and never put another thought into it is my Daddy walking me down the aisle. This, I'd say, is the one and only important thing to me that I think all girls have in their mind on their wedding day.

I'm a traditional girl... I want my Daddy there, give me away and have that moment with him. I want to hold tightly onto my Dad's arm as I stare down the aisle at all my guests, patiently waiting for me to start my last walk as a single women. I wish I could stand next to him while my future husband walks towards me to take my hand and marry me. I want that bittersweet moment with my Daddy of letting go of him while he gives his blessings for Darrin and I to be together for the rest of our lives. This moment plays in my head... it brings tears to my eyes because at this point... there's nothing I want more... yet it's something I cannot have. This one day I have thought about since I knew what it meant. I always saw my Daddy there with me. I always imagined what discussion we'd have while waiting in line as my girls walk down the aisle. How tightly he'd hold on to me before letting me go. How handsome he'd look in his tuxedo. The smell of his cologne as I hug him one last time as his little girl.

My mind on this topic changes daily. It depends on what I am focusing on. I cannot give a consistent response if anyone were to ask me. Sure, I'm bitter about a lot of things... and probably will be until it's too late. But I have to remind myself before getting too upset about everything that has happened because I did try. I tried to maintain a relationship, I tried to do the right thing in inviting certain people... and I can't understand where I went wrong. I refuse to accept this is my fault, because I know, within myself - I did everything in my power to continue a civil relationship with my Daddy. I have no regrets and I have to remind myself of that...

Regardless of the history, or the reality of how it stands now and that I have no control over it anymore... I will always wish my Daddy was there. I can't even begin to explain the emotions I have when I think that I will not have that father-daughter dance with him.

He will be in my heart that day... no matter what.